Denial: Usually our first reaction to the loss of something we're attached to, is denial. Upon hearing my 51-year-old brother was dying, I entered denial that was so strong I didn't let him say "die"...I brought him to the best doctors...I called talk radio health shows...all to find some answer other than the one I kept hearing...no one lives through stage 4b pancreatic cancer once the liver is involved. Some people deny the death of a loved one so much that they won't let anyone refer to them as 'gone'. They will refer to imaginary conversations as if they had happened. What we all need to know is, denial is normal. Mom isn't coming unhinged...she's just trying to wrap her mind around losing the love of her life. If she's still consulting him a couple years from now, maybe there's something to be concerned about.
Anger: This stage of grief is probably the cause of the most pain from grief. Anger can cause deep and sometimes permanent wounds that are totally unnecessary. Let it go! I've had my days of shaking my fist at God, saying, "Why my brother?...Why my mother?...Why my career?" Then I had to let it go, or it would be my life that was lost...consumed in anger over things I didn't understand or control. You will experience anger in your grief. You may perceive that someone "harmed" you in some way. This stage of grief is probably a major cause of law suits, but, even if you win...all you get is money...you lose the years you allowed the anger to consume you. I used to keep mental lists of the people who had hurt me in some way, until I realized they were consuming my life...I was increasing the harm they caused me by "nursing my grudge". Let it go. Forgive them. It will give you the ability to heal from your loss.
Bargaining: This is as strange a grief behavior as Denial. It's where we try to make deals to gain back what we lost. As a minister, several years ago, I got fired from a church staff over a misunderstanding. Instead of accepting the decision, I decided to start a non-profit organization to perform the same services I had been performing and then contract with the church. I was unable to bargain my way back into that church, and once I accepted what had happened, I was able to move into areas of greater opportunity. The next few lines may offend some, but it's the best example of the bargaining in grief I can think of. In some religions, they teach of a place called Purgatory, where "sinful" relatives supposedly go after death. They are said to be punished there until they are purged (purge-atory) of their sins by the faithful donations of time and money by their living loved ones. This is a great way for grieving people to bargain with God over the fate of their loved ones. I imagine it's a great fundraiser, too. For those of you who are wondering, Purgatory is not a Biblical concept. The Bible says all it takes is belief to be with God forever, that no one can, and no one has to, earn it by good works, church attendance, or by giving. Everyone bargains over a loss in some way, trying to somehow regain what they've lost. Some people try too fast after the loss of a spouse to "replace" them. This is the bargaining part of grief and is normal but it has potentially harmful consequences. It prevents you from healing from your grief and it opens you up to picking someone who is not your lost loved one. Once reality sets in, both people are usually deeply hurt. Try to finish processing your grief (usually 2-3 years) before entering a serious relationship. If you find yourself or a loved one going to unusual extremes to recover a loss...understand it's the bargaining part of grief, try to protect them and cut them some slack.
Depression: This is the most dangerous stage of grief. Everyone goes through depression before they can heal from a major loss. My childhood Barber and his 3 friends made up a golf foursome for most of their adult life. All of them died from natural causes within one year of each other. The Barber's wife died 6 months after he did. It's possible to will yourself to death if you don't get over the depression stage of grief. With some people, depression is so deep, they don't wait for natural causes. If you feel you or a loved one is too deeply depressed over a loss, look at Depression Treating for ideas. The closer the attachment, the deeper and longer the depression will be. I remember being depressed for about 2 months after the loss of a job. I still ate and everything, but I was definitely uninterested in most any aspect of life...just wanted to give up. Within 18 months of that loss, we founded http://www.way2hope.org, and nothing has been the same since. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, but for someone suffering a great loss, the tunnel is long and dark. Unless there is a suicide threat or they are about to lose their job, house, etc. it's better to let the grieving person work through their depression. When we're going through this part of the grief process, all of life seems pointless...but then we start to see some joyful things. We almost feel guilty when we laugh or enjoy something because the one we lost isn't there. Then we start to realize that they won't be there, in a physical sense, for the rest of our lives. We choose to be happy anyway...not happy because they're gone, but happy despite their absence, and happy because that's what they would have wanted. My sister didn't want people to be moping around, so, when I spoke at her memorial, I wore a funny hat and bright lemon tennis shoes. It didn't work on any of us, but it reminded us she wanted us to be happy, anyway. That transition is what brings us to the final stage.
Acceptance: This isn't all bells and fireworks. It's a decision to be at peace with the way things are. To know that no amount of denial, bargaining, anger or depression is going to recover our loss. We begin to accept that loss is part of life. It's not good or bad...just how it is. So we decide to go on, to find joy in our lives and to bring joy to the lives of others. The most noble sign of acceptance I've seen is when a grieving person, uses his empty spot as motivation to try to make the lives around him less empty.
http://www.way2hope.org/5_stages_of_grief_and_loss.htm
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